I am officially six months into my journey with Antiochian Orthodoxy. In this article I plan to speak on the things I have experienced, in what ways I have changed, and what I have learned from along the way. The most important part of my own Orthodox experience has been the exploration. Exploring and tasting the many different levels of Orthodoxy has to offer; there is so much to Orthodoxy itself that it seems almost incomprehensible from my perspective. It’s hard to understand Orthodoxy if you don’t get your feet wet and begin trying different things. Some things I chose to try, was to visit a women’s monastery for the first time, purchase icons and establish my own prayer corner to pray in front of, lighting candles, venerating the icons, and attending services weekly and regularly to became very familiar with the different types of services and what goes on during those services.
The most eye opening experience, for me, was visiting the women’s monastery. My own mental vision of what monastic life is, and what it really is, are two completely different things. I also decided to start collecting icons for my prayer corner. I feel as though icons have their own importance to each and every person, and that importance and personal experience is quite different. At first, I thought icons were kind of creepy, but once I began praying with them, I can’t imagine my life without the icons in my apartment. It’s the fact that I always have a select group of Saints available to pray for me on my behalf, especially whenever I’m too weak to pray for myself.
The three icons that most recently came into my possession were Saint Panteleimon the Healer, My guardian angel icon, and an icon of the Theotokos and Christ. Since praying to and in front of my guardian angel, many crazy things have happened to me, but for the better. I’ll get to those events later on in this article. Orthodoxy is a full body experience, that captures all five senses, especially during the Divine Liturgy. Those who are Orthodox taste the Eucharist. We can smell the incense as the priest or deacon move around the sanctuary. We can hear the chanting. We feel thegarment of the priest’s sash during the procession or we feel the embrace of those we hug around us. We can see the icons, candles, and the priest throughout the service. The Divine Liturgy is very engaging, and although I don’t do very much looking around, it’s a very serious and personal time for me.
Suffering
For me, last year ended rocky and it started off rocky, and it still is very unstable for me. One thing that I am very anxious about is my car. I love my car, it’s my favorite color, and it’s the perfect type of car for me because I travel very often and I was in college, so it was easy to move from dorm to dorm or apartment to where I currently live now. When I came back from visiting my family over Christmas break, I decided to go to an early morning matins service the next week. It was a nice morning so I had opened my sunroof. When I got closer to my apartment, I decided to close my sunroof and it didn’t close; it wouldn’t close at all. I tried manually closing it, I tried everything, but it was ten o’clock in the morning and I knew everyone was at work. I ended up taking my car to the Honda dealership in Murfreesboro, and it ended up being in the shop for a week. That was a very stressful time for me, because I didn’t have any control of my life. Although I had a very nice rental car, this was a repair that I wasn’t expecting at all and practically couldn’t afford.
Fast forward to last weekend, I was driving home from a vespers service on a backroad and a deer hit me. It happened so fast and it was so wild and crazy, that I couldn’t believe that it happened at all. The damage to my car is mostly cosmetic and it’s still drivable, but it was a situation where I could’ve been seriously injured, and I wasn’t. I know that ever since I had gotten my guardian angel icon, I would pray to my guardian angel and ask them to please take care of me to the best of their ability. I truly believe that my guardian angel is the reason that I was not injured in this deer accident. Although this is another situation where I won’t have my car for at least eight days, I’m experiencing things I would’ve never experienced, because of how much I want my heart and mind to change.
Learning the meaning of miracles, piety, humility, are all things that I must experience firsthand before I can ever understand the idea. There isn’t anywhere I would rather be in my life right now, than in the Orthodox church. Partaking in the Holy Water whenever I feel ill, praying in front of my icons, fasting, and lighting candles are all things that I’ve decided to try because I was curious. Thanks be to God that these ideas are now a major part of my life. There are just certain things that I cannot imagine my life without, such as the incense during service or certain chants that take me to another place spiritually.
Revelation
A big step for me in learning more about Orthodoxy, is realizing that the Bible isn’t our only resource, it isn’t the only thing that can help us become more like Christ. Looking at the lives of those who came before us, is very encouraging for me. These names that we may read about or might quickly glance over, lived entire lives. These people became Saints for a reason, and their lives were recorded as well. Learning what worked for others, may help and end up working for us. It’s very much like getting advice from people who were made holy by God. Many of these Saints did everything they possible could to be like Christ. Obviously, none of us will every truly be Christ, but it’s more than inspiring to see someone dedicate their entire lives to being like the One we all want to be like.
Having to unlearn and relearn who God is, was also a major part of my spiritual peace. A year ago, I belonged to a church in Nashville that taught us that God was someone who would punish us for doing wrong. I was taught that Jesus was a more aggressive no-nonsense type of guy, and hated when people made excuses. Since leaving that church that clearly wasn’t of God, I finally allowed myself to learn who He really is and who Jesus really is. I had to learn that God wasn’t a punisher. God is on my side, and He would never do anything to make me feel like He was against me or that I was abandoned in any way.
Through the more recent difficult times in my life, I began to see what true friendship is like. I was able to experience support from friends that I knew existed, but never thought of myself worthy of receiving. In this time I learned the true meaning of God’s grace and mercy. Unexplainable and incomprehensible as it may be, it is definitely much more than I could ever put into words. As evil and as wicked as I can be as a human being, God still chooses to have mercy on me, a sinner. All of these things wouldn’t have been revealed to me had I not been curious and had I not tried for myself. Instead of sitting in the audience and watching week after week, I wanted to see what was working for everyone else. I wanted to see what was so special for myself, and I’m so thankful that I chose to do so.
Mediation
Inner peace isn’t something that I felt like I had control of a year ago, but now, I know that inner peace is obtainable and it’s a necessity when it comes to my spiritual life. I tried making excuses for allowing people to treat me certain ways, only because they used to treat me well. Things change and people change, so whenever someone would start to treat me in a disrespectful way, it would catch me off guard. Change isn’t something I’m used to, even though I have a tendency to change a lot. One thing I had to work on was caring enough about myself to not allow people to treat me poorly.
One major thing my therapist and I are working on, is for me to learn how to be mentally present enough to address disrespectful people in the moment. Not the next day, not later on that night, but being able to shut down the disrespect as soon as it happens. I’m a creative, so my mind tends to be in the clouds and in places, and I’m rarely ever in the present day unless I’m writing. It’s important to be mentally present as much as possible, because then technically I’m not truly living if my mind is always elsewhere. Knowing that I have to respect myself enough to stop allowing people to treat me any way and to talk to me any way is a no go.
Something that helps me remain present is doing my morning, midday, and evening prayers. These prayers are so engaging, so beautiful, and so powerful that it’s almost impossible to drift off away somewhere else mentally. Physically lighting the candles in my prayer corner, drinking the Holy Water, or even venerating my icons all help me to stay present and in the moment, Meditating on certain ideas and allowing God to show me visions is a spectacular gift that I’ve had since I was a child. Not the type of visions you see on television, but the ones that add meaning to my life.
All I Will Ever Want or Need
Orthodoxy so the dense, that I don’t believe I will even be able to experience a fraction of it within my lifetime. The history is so rich and the stories are so plentiful, that it blows my mind to think that I am actually becoming a part of this more and more everyday. I remember being a part of past denominations and being so dissatisfied with my spiritual life. I literally told God that this cannot be all that there is for me. There has to be something more, something deeper, and something more meaningful than anything I’d ever experienced. When I was brought into the Orthodox church, that prayer was immediately answered. I had finally entered into an ocean that I will never stop exploring.
I’m still learning to forgive myself for not knowing about Orthodoxy or not making the effort to understand it as a child. I honestly didn’t know better, and I feel as though everything happens for a reason. Had I not experienced what I did in the past, I wouldn’t appreciate what I have now. I wouldn’t appreciate the Saints, I wouldn’t appreciate the candles, and I wouldn’t appreciate the icons and the power that they have during prayer. Six months may seem like a long time, but it really has been flying by as I try to document my experience within Orthodoxy in three month increments.
My plan moving forward is to continue learning, praying, and experiencing all that God wants me to experience. I’m slowly beginning to have a different outlook on life and the meaning of different things that occur in my life. I’m beginning to understand how little physical things matter, and how what matters the most is what is going on within your own soul. I cannot believe it has been six months since I decided to begin inquiring about Orthodoxy, and I’m so thankful that I am where I am now. I might not be as successful as I wish or think I want to be, but I can definitely feel the difference within my mind, body, and soul since beginning this journey. Although I’ve been hurt by people I considered friends, I’m working on new friendships within our parish, and I’m learning to become the best friend that I can be to those who appreciate what I have to offer.
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